An A+ day for Ethan....

For many months, even years now I have understood the anger outbursts from Ethan. The outbursts of frustration. Basically during that fragile language developmental time he was deaf and his only form of communication was pitching fits at the top of his lungs. These have became less and and less, but even so, we have been working hard on Ethan truly getting a hold of new ideas on dealing with his emotions and ditching the old.

I have had countless days of not knowing what to do, or how best to help him along. I guess I adopted the passage of scripture in Galatians that speaks about the fruit of the spirits. It goes like this:

Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

There is not one disclaimer to this passage. Meaning, okay if you are deaf and have problems just dismiss your behaviors and act however you want. I have never dismissed in my hearing children behaviors due to temperament. We are all called to be nice as stated in Galatians. So with that we have been working with Ethan in his attitudes, and his behaviors. Asking him, when a melt down is coming if he is being patient, kind, gentle...etc. etc.

At least once a day often more times than that we will have some kind of issue. This entire week has been a crossing the bridge point for him. He has caught himself about to blow steam, and changing the outcome on his own in a positive manner. I mean in his first breath, realizing he has options for his little life. Making very good choices with how he behaves. All week I have been praising him, thanking him, and encouraging him. He knows he is happier and feeling more in control of his life. He's only six. Some of us don't get that long into adulthood.

Yesterday when he was getting his jammies on, he said..."mommy I have had a really good day today". So I said.."yes you have lets see what made it so good". So together we took inventory and I said "Ethan you have had more than a good day, you have had an A+ day.

Here is what an A+ day looks like for Ethan.

AM
-getting dressed for school on his own,
-eating breakfast without complaining about food choices
-brushing his teeth without being asked.
-Not whining when I say there are only 15 minutes of play before school, but instead saying "okay mommy" and then without any fuss heading to the car without complaint.
PM
-being happy about decisions for how time will be spent after school.
-reciting scripture to his teacher, a week before he has to, for school (Ephesians 6: 10-17)
-eating all his dinner without complaint or whining.
-helping little brothers with Lego's' playing nice with them, and coming to me when being mistreated, rather than taking matters into his own hands...literally.
-reading the entire Green Egg and Ham book without complaining it's too much
-having a true quiet time before bed

Really, this is an A+ day for most kids, but for Ethan even more. He has crossed a bridge this week and my heart just shines with joy in knowing that he is coming along as a deaf kid with the ability to hear with these amazing cochlear implants.

P.S. He did not throw a fit when I chose not to follow the fire engine in the parking lot of the grocery store. He ever so nicely said "mom that makes me feel a little mad". Then in the grocery store we bumped into three fire fighters who took time to answer the questions of all the boys. Twice Eric said to the fire fighter that his brother is deaf, and Ethan said "yes I am deaf, but these things help me hear just fine". I Love being on the sidelines of these conversations.

True Confessions....

Ethan has had implants now since he was just about three years old. He is now 6 1/2. Yesterday for the first time ever I went through all the stuff you get when your child is implanted. All the gizmo's, gadgets, and well did I get a good lesson. Ethan worked alongside me as we placed all the parts in a clear plastic sorter, so it's easier to find pieces and reorder what we need.

I have never used the headphones and really have not ever had the need. It was pretty cool. Ethan has had some malfunctioning and it was time I learn what to do. I was able to replace just the magnet for the coil, which I was able to take out of a defective coil from months back. We have been very fortunate with our experience with Cochlear. Aside from an internal failure which resulted in an explant and then a new implant, the devices have held up really well. Especially for an active boy.

I have just learned how to lock the system so Ethan can not change any of the programs. Which was also creating some problems for him. It was sure nice to read from cover to cover the imformation books, and well I must say I feel a little silly.

When Ethan was implanted we saw and heard immediate results. I was always going to get around to reading all the information. My husband works at the hospital where Ethan is seen, so if there was a problem, my husband would email the dr. and walk over to his office to get a replacement or a repair. This of course required little knowledge or work on my end, and it's been easy. It still is, but it's nice to know how everything works.

Ethan, Am I too hard on him?

Am I too hard on Ethan? I often sit and wonder if I am just too hard on him. Earlier, when Ethan was diagnosed as being bilaterally profoundly deaf I was all consumed in reading the reports, the statistics, the options and became so overwhelmed. I wanted to know everything there was to know, and realized that there were many different options and journeys in educating and teaching Ethan.

I looked at this little boy as a baby figuring out how his toys worked. I watched him struggle so hard to communicate. When he was two years old we had come back from one of my attempts to take him out and about town. He had no words, no signs and outings were filled with yelling, screaming and tantrums on his part. Eric was a newborn, so outings were few and between.

We came home and I tried to nurse Eric. Ethan just stood at the front door screaming at the top of his lungs and banging on the door, fighting to get his coat and shoes back on. I just cried as I tried to nurse my newborn. I called my husband, most likely for the 10th time that day; like I always did crying and saying that I can not handle this. I just can’t deal with Ethan. I want to talk with him, and help him. What can my husband really do but listen and he always did. On this particular day I had no energy left. It was nap time and he flat out refused to stay in his bed. He kept screaming to go out the front door. I was trying to keep Eric asleep, but often Eric’s sleep was disturbed by his screaming brother. I needed to rest myself and weariness was my middle name. After almost an hour of Ethan screaming to get out the front door I gave in. I put Eric in the front pack, got shoes, coat and headed out the door. Ethan went over to the car and banged on the door. I had no fight left and decided if all that fuss was for a car ride then fine. I opened his door. He stopped crying, crawled in, picked up a small helicopter, walked inside the house and went to his bed. All he wanted was his helicopter for his nap time. I could not understand his simple little need to have his helicopter. My heart just broke into pieces. But something happened in my heart that day.

This little boy has fight and determination in him that will not give up. I challenge and raise the bar for him which he meets with determination. I am very hard on Ethan and have expectations beyond what is expected for him by others. I know I get rolled eyes, and questioned over his process. I see his confidence grow each time he is met with a frustrating challenge and wants to give in or give up and I say no. He continues and finds himself more accomplished.

I have much respect for those who work in the area of deaf and hard of hearing, but I have been very surprised at how low the bar and expectations are for deaf and hard of hearing children.

Perhaps it has been the alarming statistics that I have vowed not to have Ethan become a part of. Instead he is just amazing and a challenge and a fighter. Compared to the rest of his life, my time with him is short and I want to make the best of all he can be. Knowing full well he is capable of so much. So perhaps I am a bit hard on him. At the end of the day he is a very loving kind hearted boy who till wants me in his space, so he gets it.

Ethan, Ethan, Ethan,

Hello are you deaf or what?

Seems odd as his mother to even write or think that, but I have had to stop reading statistics. As of late this kid is about as normal as they come. I use to think that he would not know how to navigate in this world without me. That is so not true.

Today a the park this other six year old was carrying around tic-tac candies. The kind that that shake loud in it's container. Ethan walks up to this kids and ask him what it is. I sat back and observed as this exchange happened. Ethan was concerned that these were "medicines" and it's not okay to take any kind of medicine unless your mother is giving it to you. I was so proud of him. The boy kept pressing that this is just candy, so I did then walk up and explain to Ethan what they were. He tried one and decided a candy that tasted like tooth paste was not candy.

So here I am worried about all the normal things of kids, you know like drugs being past out at parks when I have my back turned for a split second only to realize that Ethan is getting the world.

He is now four weeks into first grade at a private school and learning above his hearing peers. I read the statistics, which have been good in that I am someone who refuses to just settle into this ever being Ethan, but as of late I have stopped. I am a mother of five kids. With that comes instincts beyond what any specialist could ever believe or understand. I still laugh over the fact that had Ethan gone to a public school in kindergarten he would have been placed in special ed because his language was that of a 3 1/2 year old. His brain, well does anyone everyone really know how to test the intelligence of a deaf child or do we really believe because they can not speak clearly they are then destined to that which is lower than what they are capable of. I digress. I still have issues, can you tell, but Ethan well he's amazing in every single way of boyhood. Much a leader, he questions what he does not understand, and he wants to be a drummer and piano player and folks, if you listen a few doors down you can hear Ethan playing the drums on beat.

I know I am a little bit of a mommy bragger at this piont, but if you could know my heart and the fears of years past....I say wow. Who would have known. Follow your heart and what you know to be true of your child. Most of the specialists have not been deaf and they too are following a curriculum for the general population.

Ethan, Ethan, Ethan....you are amazing.

He survived!!

I know this may come as a surprise to many, but Ethan survived without me for an entire seven days. Those first days leaving him at Kindergarten last fall were tougher on me than on him. And then his first field trip without me. I have spent so much time fussing over him and making sure he is prepared and ready for the next events in the day that as I slowly let go of him I get a little anxious.



The last week was a testament to the fact that this kid is really going to be just fine. My husband had all three boys while I took an east coast trip with my daughter. My husband is terrific with his boys, but it's in rare form when he has had all three for more than a day, let alone seven days.



Calls were made every day with updates. The most precious of all, and one that I am sad I missed, but an important one without me. Ethan learned to ride his bike with just two wheels. I have been holding off bike riding for several years. So I bought him this cool peddle tractor and all the boys have had these cool tractors or big wheels. I have fretted over the metal in his head and didn't want his earlier, less coordinated days to push into super hyper mama bear mode. I finally decided it was time. Three weeks with training wheels and papa decides he can try without. So, if I was home I would have freaked a little over the fact that he had only been on the two wheeler with the training wheels less than a month. I would have suggested we give him six solid months. But I was no where to be found when the boys got the tools and removed this safety net. And off he went. He is now over the edge of curbs, down grassy hills, and very coordinated. I must admit I am quite surprised at how well he has done in a short amount of time.



In school there was concern over balance issues. I purchased a kids Yoga dvd which is all about balancing which he loves and I am certain this has helped. After being away from him for over a week I was more amazed at how well he speaks. To be gone, and away from his voice and return, even my daughter recognized how well he speaks. Ethan is going to amaze me every single day of his life. Now who really survived? My husband or Ethan. Well they both did. By day five my husband said he had a new appreciation for me. Bless him for taking such good care of our boys.



Another thing Ethan mastered while I was gone is getting his "ears" off the chargers and putting them himself. Wow, so much progress.

Parenting Habits

There are many times when I feel I have failed Ethan, by the habit of parenting hearing children. I forget he is deaf. When is wearing his CI's he is part of everything. He knows how to assert himself if he is not understanding something, and he is a leader by nature which typically keeps him on top of things.

Every so often he looks into my eyes with such confusion and hurt and it dawns on me that I forgot in that moment that he is deaf. I have a habit of moving kids from one area of the house to the next, along with me. Although Ethan is very efficient with his CI's there are many times if I don't have his attention that he is not tuned in. He may be in deep creative thought building with Lego's or playing with his toys and even though he has an implant he still has the ability to tune out. Selective hearing can happen even with deaf kids.

This morning he had this look of your forgot about me. Okay he didn't just have that look he said it and he was right. I expected that he could follow us into the next event and he didn't. Which in my habit of parenting is no big deal, but it's a big deal to Ethan. I forget that he is limited in distance with his CI's. He can hear me easily from his bedroom upstairs, but if the door is halfway closed he can't hear me calling from downstairs.

I know I will not get it every single time, but the times that I don't it is typically related to how I parent hearing children and expect Ethan to seamlessly pass through with what is going on. It's a habit with having four hearing kids.

These thoughts area all kind of jumbled, but it made me sad to think of how it must feel for Ethan. Working on those habits of rambling with the expectation that everyone has their ears on.

Gaining Confidence

I have read that horses are very theraputic for children with handicaps. Working with them, learning to be safe with them, and riding them build confidence in a child. Emily, Ethan's only sister and older sister grew up with two horses. It grew her in ways that I never imagined and she is a hearing child.

What they say is true. Earlier this spring we went for a walk in the country. Emily walks this route regularly with a friend and with the weather nice we decided to make an afternoon of it with the boys. Ethan shys away from a strange dog, and will not get close. This is a good thing, but I am concerned that he should learn how to at least be safe, so if he were to meet a strange dog unexpected he would know what to do. A horse well forget it. He would not get anywhere near the fence.

Bless Emily's tender heart. She took him alongside and worked with him, to build his confidence in approaching a horse. She talked about how horses show us with thier face, their ears, and the sounds they make what they may be thinking or feeling. By watching and listening we know how to approach a horse. After about a half an hour he came in closer. I knew this was a mommy time to step away and not interfere. As I observed I realized what an incredible challenge this was for Ethan, and how Emily gently talked him closer, each step taking many minutes to take.

After about an hour, Ethan was able to come in close and even feed the horse. He is so proud of himself to have overcome a very healthy fear of this large animal. I am so proud of him. He talks about this moment often, and we have since been back to visit the horses.

Confidence building for our children who are deaf does not always have to come in a word articulated correctly, or perfectly reading a book. All important milestones, but in many other ways too. This was one way. I am going to blow up these pictures and have framed for Ethan's room.